Under Construction

I feel like the airplane analogy is resonating with me lately. For some reason, it’s just helping me to describe my feelings and what’s going on in my life lately. First- the holding pattern and the season of waiting. Then, it was time to land the plane, though sooner, that we really hoped to do so. And now, it feels like I’m just not ready for another take-off just yet.  Part of me kind of feels like I want to throw myself back into something – a new project or something to work on, maybe to keep myself busy and get excited about something new. And maybe that is what God wants and has for me. But another part of me is cautious and isn’t ready to make any moves just yet. I’ll just keep this plane on the ground for now… and not risk any emergency landings or crashes. But is that fear in my life keeping me from doing something that God has for me? I don’t know the answer to these just yet, but I’ll keep praying and seeking God for more clarity, and I pray that I am obedient with whatever He calls me to do – whether it’s to move or to just be still.

Everyone has been so kind with their words and hugs and thoughts and prayers. I’m so thankful for all of you wonderful people in our lives! Last week, we received news that our baby #4 was not developing properly and that our pregnancy was going to result in miscarriage. We had a decision to make, whether to let it happen naturally or to schedule to have a procedure called a D&C. With me being nearly 11 weeks pregnant, my doctor suggested the D&C as the best option – especially since my body had not recognized yet that the pregnancy was not a viable one. It could be weeks before it even started, and then it would last longer and be even harder on me, physically and probably emotionally too. But with this news and when my heart accepted it, my body followed suit and the miscarriage did begin. We scheduled the D&C and had it done on Friday. I’m glad that we made the decision to do that, and it has given us closure from all of this.

After the procedure on Friday, we came home, and I took a really long nap. It felt so good, and I felt great when I woke up! We didn’t really rush, and I wasn’t trying to do too much, but we went ahead and packed our things and went to my parents’ for the weekend. We had Christmas with them on Saturday morning and Christmas with my grandmother & family at lunch. Then, we traveled back home. It was a busy, busy weekend. Emotionally, I was good. As long as we were busy, I could keep things together and under control. That’s just the way that I am. I do have emotions and feelings, but they are very deep down. They don’t just come out on a whim, and especially not when I’m around people. I also sort of felt numb, maybe still in a little bit of shock from all that has taken place. But also, we did kind of know that this was a possibility for several weeks, so maybe I was just already mentally and emotionally preparing for it, and I just didn’t know it yet.

Either way, I was good. And on Sunday morning at church, I was good too. Several people just gave me a hug when they saw me and didn’t say anything. I think it’s probably the best thing you can do in a situation like this. There really are no words to say, and words aren’t even necessary sometimes. I felt the love of the people around me and knowing that people are praying for me is a huge help to me.

But Sunday afternoon, I felt lost. And I also felt like I’d been hit my a truck. My whole body felt achy and sore, and I read that this is a side effect from the anesthesia. Part of me was really tired from our busy weekend, and part of me just felt unmotivated. I had a list of things I needed to get done, and I didn’t do them. I wallowed, instead. And I know, some would say that after the loss that we have experienced, that this would be perfectly okay. But for me, it didn’t feel okay. This is not the way in which I rest and feel refreshed. Lying around and doing nothing is just not me. I am a goals girl, and even if I’m not necessarily working on my list of tasks and to-do’s, there are still things I do that make me feel good put me in a good place. But I chose not to do those things, and I just didn’t want to do anything, except go to bed. I would even venture to say that it was a slight feeling of hopelessness and depression. It’s one of my greatest fears with all of this – that I would become numb or depressed. Pray with me that I can find the good in this and learn to move forward appropriately.

Mostly, I feel this way because I have lost my direction, and I’m at a loss for which way I should go now. With pregnancy, you pretty much know what your destination is. I’ve already had three successful pregnancies, so I knew how to plan and prepare. I knew what to expect. I began to feel the joy and excitement – not only for the new addition to our family, but also to the pregnancy itself and the journey of that. And with that being gone now, even though it was semi-expected, it feels like my plane has crashed, and I do not know how to put it back together for another lift-off. I just know that before I venture on a new journey towards a new destination, I’ve got to fix the plane. I’ve got to give myself time… time to put myself back together, to heal, and then update my plane with the latest, new features. Features that I wouldn’t have ever added if this flight hadn’t ended. I would’ve kept on flying just the way I was – not a bad plane – but not the best I could be either.

Maybe it’s more love – deeper, and like I’ve never loved before. Love for others, maybe who’ve experience the same thing or who will. Maybe it’s a joy for my own family, a deeper joy that I couldn’t experience before. Maybe it’s the unshakeable peace that only God can give. I definitely have felt this one over the past several weeks! Maybe it’s kindness – empathy towards others who go through difficult times. Goodness, more faithfulness, a gentleness I didn’t have before, or even self-control… It could be any of these or a combination of them!

It’s also now a part of my story – a story that I can and will share with others as God leads me to do so. It’s a life experience that will, no doubt, grow me more into the person that God has created me to be. And although I did not want this to be another trial and test in my life, I did finally surrender and accept that it is. I know that I will be okay and that good things will come. I know that my plane is just under contruction and that it will be ready soon for another lift-off towards a new destination – a great destination and journey that God has planned for me.

Thank you for your prayers & your love. Please keep them coming.

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